helpingpetownerscopewithpetloss

Helping Pet Owners

Cope With Pet Loss

Being there for someone about to face pet loss, or one who has recently experienced pet loss, can be a great source of comfort. One of the most difficult things a pet owner may face, is to go through this alone. Often, they may feel that others do not care that they are in pain, thinking "it is/was just a pet, and easily replaced," which we, as pet owners, know is not so. Pet loss differs from the loss of a "human" family member, as there is more in the way of closure for the latter. However, the loss of a pet, considered by many of us as a family member, is just as devastating. For the "humans," when a family member or friend passes, there is a wake and funeral, with many people surrounding them, offering comfort...not the same for those suffering the loss of a beloved pet. It is not unusual for someone who is either about to lose their pet, or recently lost one, to sit at home alone in tears, with nobody to talk to about their feelings or fears. It doesn't have to be that way any longer! Today, there are many resources available to help those who are having difficulty coping, but may be unaware of their availability, unless someone makes them aware. Visit my my Pet Loss Resources page.

DO'S & DONT'S WHEN HELPING AN OWNER WITH A PET THAT HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS...

If the owner's pet has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, do lend a sympathetic ear, when first told about it, but speak calmly...you will be the one who must be strong, as the owner may not be. Don't relate medical horror stories about a pet you or someone else owned. Remember, you don't know at this point, what their veterinarian has told them, and the owner will be upset, and also very sensitive to anything you may say. If they seem confused, or unsure about what they have been told, do encourage them to speak with their veterinarian, and have all their questions answered. If after speaking with their veterinarian, they are still unsure that the diagnosis is correct, do encourage them to seek a second opinion, but don't pressure them to do so. Do encourage them to learn as much as they can, about their pet's illness, regarding it's care and comfort, what to be on the lookout for, and what to expect as the illness progresses, from their veterinarian. If you have access to the Internet, but the owner does not, do a search on helpful links regarding the illness, and print them out, and give to the owner. Be careful not to give too much though, as it may only serve to confuse. Stick with those links that are easily understood, and will help give the owner a better understanding of the illness. If they have further questions about what they have read, they can ask their veterinarian.

If the owner has been given some treatment options, that may extend quality days for their pet, and they opt to try the treatment, support their decision, even though it is not what you would do, if it were your pet. Every pet is different, and while some may not respond to treatment, others will. If the owner's decision is not to opt for treatment, for whatever reason, it is their decision only. Even though you may not agree, you must realize that others may have preferences that differ from your's, or may not be able to afford very costly treatment. Again, please be very careful what you say! When a pet owner is wrestling with decisions like this, it is very stressful, so resist the temptation to say something you may regret later. In either case, to treat or not to treat, it is a very personal decision, so MYOB, lend your support, and hope for the best.

With terminal and chronic illnesses, there will be good days, and bad days. If the owner contacts you, upset that their pet is having a bad day, and may be thinking "it is time," do not tell them to pts...do tell them to contact their vet for advice. If their vet advises them to bring their pet in for examination, and the owner is by themself and you live nearby, offer to drive them if they are very upset, or need help getting their pet into their vehicle. If the owner should refuse your help, don't push the issue, let them do it their way. If the owner returns home with their pet, but says that their vet has told them there is not much time left, after they have calmed down, gently suggest they plan in advance what they wish to do with their pet's remains...burial on their property (if allowed) burial in a pet cemetery, or cremation. Offer to help them call nearby facilities for information regarding their services, and cost. If the owner cannot afford the expense of a burial in a pet cemetery, or individual cremation, suggest they clip some of their pet's fur, or have them ask their vet to do it if euthanasia is to be performed. They can either bury it in a special place in their yard, or put it in a small, inexpensive urn, with their pet's ID, collar, etc. If the owner has questions or fears about the euthanasia procedure, please encourage them to have their vet explain it to them in detail, so they know what to expect, whether it is to be performed in their own home, a special place they have chosen, or the veterinary clinic. You may wish to ask the owner if they would like you to either drive them, or accompany them for moral support. If they say no, then it is their preference to be alone at this time. Don't offer to do this, if you can't handle it, as you don't want to upset them further...perhaps someone else can help out with this. If you do accompany the owner to the vet for their pet's euthanasia, and the owner decides not to be present during the procedure, but would rather spend time with their pet afterwards, support their decision, whether or not it would be your choice. Not everyone can handle being present during the euthanasia...again, this is a very personal decision, and one that must be respected. If you do not accompany the owner, ask them if they would like you to put away their pet's bowls, toys, lead, etc. Do not do this without asking beforehand. If the answer is "yes," do not discard any item, regardless of its condition. Never decide to wash the pet's blanket, bed, or sweater as a favor...as it may be a favor that will not be appreciated. Many times, I have had friends or clients tell me, that when they returned home, they picked up different items, just so they could smell their pet once more...something that offers them a little comfort, even though some may think it strange...it's not. Place all the pet's items in a box or closet, and let the owner know where you have placed them.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE THE OWNER THAT IS IN "DENIAL," WHEN THEIR PET IS SUFFERING?

This one is tricky, and must be handled in a very caring and careful manner, or the result could be some very hard feelings. If the owner should say, "I know my pet is suffering, but I can't bring myself to say good-bye," try this:

Ask if it is their fear of euthanasia, or their feeling that it is wrong to end a life, that is preventing them from ending their pet's suffering. If the answer to either is "yes," tell them that you know they too are suffering, knowing their pet is in pain, and strongly suggest they have a heart-to-heart with their vet, about their pet's overall condition, and to listen to everything their vet has to say, whether or not it is what they hoped to hear. Also tell them that if they still are unsure, to ask their vet what he/she would do, if it were their pet, but not to expect their vet to make the decision for them.

If that doesn't work, ask them if they would be more comfortable with it, if a vet were to perform the procedure in the privacy of their own home, or a special place of their choice. Some people have a real thing about privacy in this matter, and don't want people looking at them in a waiting room (I hate that myself) or may have been hoping that their pet would pass on its own, at home. If their answer is "yes," have them contact their vet, to see is he/she is willing to do this. If not, offer to help find one that will.

If the pet is so ill, that it is constantly vomiting, unable to eat or drink, or control its bowels and/or urine, is laying in its own excrement, because it cannot raise itself from the floor, or generally has such poor quality of life, that is is miserable, and in severe pain, a much more direct approach will be needed...if the owner has not previously "heard" what the vet has told them. However, this approach should only be used on someone you know very well, and be prepared for some resistance, and possible hard feelings for awhile. Start out with "I am so sorry your pet pet is suffering like this...have you spoken with your vet about its condition?...what did he/she tell you?...can anything be done to help? If the answers are vague, or you are offered up lame excuses, then "roll the dice" if you wish, and ask "have you considered euthanasia, to end your beloved pet's pain and suffering?" If they say yes, or no, suggest they speak with their vet again, as surely they don't want to prolong their pet's agony. Explain to them calmly and nicely, that ending a pet's suffering is an unselfish act, and the final act of love on the part of a pet owner. If what you said does not "sit well," end the conversation, and let the owner mull it over. Perhaps you got your point across, perhaps not...but at least you tried.

HOW CAN YOU HELP THE GRIEVING OWNER, AFTER THEIR PET HAS PASSED?

Be a good listener, and let the owner vent their feelings...they need to. Don't ask for the "details" of their pet's passing...if the owner wants to talk about it, they will. Ask if they need any help, such as getting the kids out of the house, while they are trying to get their emotions under control. Don't be offended, if they prefer not to talk much for a few days...give them space, and time to come to grips with their loss. Try and keep your conversations on the light side, and encourage the owner to talk about the good times they enjoyed with their pet. If the owner seems to be recovering from their loss, offer to write a poem about their pet..but try and write one that will produce more smiles than tears. Put the poem in a frame, or suggest the owner purchase a large frame, in which their pet's ID, collar, picture and poem can be included together. This will make a really nice tribute for them to hang on a wall. Print out a copy of the poem "Lend Me A Pup," one of my favorites, which has a wonderful message, without being a major tear-jerker.

Grief is handled differently by everyone, so don't be surprised if someone mentions something that is comforting for them, which you may think is strange or amusing. Unless they laugh about it, don't you...this is serious stuff in their eyes. For instance, some owners may take the urn containing their pet's cremains to bed with them for a few months, if their pet slept with them (I did.) One friend of mine, put the urn in her backpack, while walking her other dog, as they all used to walk together. Many pet owners faithfully hang their past pet's stockings at Christmas, fill with some treats, and then donate the treats to a shelter. Whatever works, works! If the owner is having some difficulty coping with their loss, give them a copy of my article "Coping With Grief.." If they are having extreme difficulty, suggest they get some one-on-one professional help. Do a search on the Internet, and check out the links to pet loss sites on my Pet Loss Resources page.

Because someone seems sad and lonely, do not surprise them with a new companion as a gift. While well-intentioned, they may not be ready for a new pet right away, and the selection of a pet is a matter of chemistry, and personal preference on the part of the prospective owner. The owner is the only one who will know when and if they are ready to share their life with a new companion...it would be a mistake for them to bow to pressure from others. When and if they do acquire a new companion, be happy for them, and maybe have a little celebration in honor of their new family member!